Alexander Hohmann

I propose my coaching services to everybody, with no distinction of gender or origin or all these other properties by which people may define themselves or are being defined. But in these times of change, men are one specific clients group I address. Hence this page on "coaching for men". Being a man is currently being questioned in many ways - some of it is necessary, some unfair, much is contradictory and destabilising. For example, in some countries, media or ads deliver (and reinforce) rather primitive and dumb imagery of masculinity - apparently that still sells products. And many men still partly identify with these, because they do not find the space, the time, the motivation and/or the trust to rise up and develop an awareness of their very own individual identity. And for not feeling this loss too strongly, they may devalue the whole issu as mere sentimentality. And perhaps some more alcohol or some more physical activities for the sake of just doing things or more long hours video gaming will be helpful in ignoring the growing discomfort deep within? In past millennia, when humankind has been a community of survival (which it still is in parts of the world), a division of tasks has been applied, in which the men were those who took on the really tough and life-threatening jobs like defending the country or buidling the roads and cities. They could emotionally survive that only by cutting off contact to their inner life. Only those signal emotions necessary for survival like anger (and some fear), or survival and reproductive urges, were still more or less allowed. More and more men now want to grow out of this inheritance and explore all these uncharted parts of themselves in order to reach a completeness of being their male ancestors had no chance to even consider. With only little contact to your inside life you can hardly "read" yourself and will find it difficult to develop a dependable, high-level emotional literacy and self-control. If you have little or no inward contact and are just "doing the job" and going through the motions of everyday life, you can end up feeling an emptiness - and even that might reach the conscious awareness as little more than a diffuse albeit growing discomfort. With age grows the grief over missed gifts of life. With little or no inward contact, one may have a hard time identifying and expressing his own needs - and may well react to complex emotional situations and boundary crossings with something like stereotyped verbal or physical violence, because nobody helped him to broaden the range of possible emotional responses for more adequate reactions. Many decent guys of all ages do not recognize themselves in today's growingly depreciative, polarising and stereotyped representations of masculinity. They woul rather seek to reconnect with more constructive male archetypes like the builder, the protector, the wise king. The classical „be a man!“ (whatever that actually means) sounds shallow to them. And they do not feel that those attempts from their environment or from society at "educating" them are adequate, because being spoon-fed some fashionable stereotype to replace some outdated stereotype does not lead to a real inner liberation. Additionally, the topic of male high sensitivity is gaining visibility in our societies, at least in some English- speaking Western countries. And it should, since 15 to 20% of men are highly sensitive - as many as women. So here we are, at crossroads, in a historical moment of opportunity for many men to reinvent themselves instead of remaining stuck in cliché understandings of what masculinity ought to be - understandings that are being entertained and reproduced by a number of men and also women, either as role-models or as scapegoats. Nowadays we can find openings and possibilities and safe spaces of trust for self-development our fathers and grandfathers would not have. But you also have to actually use these possibilities if change is what you want for yourself. Nobody else can do that for you. So if as a man you cannot shake off the feeling that lively manhood consists of so much more than beer, sports and cars and perhaps some pseudo- shamanic rituals, then the time might have come for you to build and own your very personal inner image of masculinity to guide you into your future, to let it seed and grow within yourself and then to live by it, instead of just clicking together some of those ready-to-use identity building bricks provided from outside. For this image to truly describe who you are, for this inner guidance to really bring you where you belong, it can only come from one single person of this planet - yourself. Anything else is borrowed role costumes, and those might well not fit any more (if they ever did). Of course, one can try to continue repressing things and continue business as usual. But you may have noticed that trying to suppress things has become so much more difficult and energy consuming nowadays. There is some strong dynamic in our time that does not allow for repression any more and will instead end up washing everything to the surface of individual and collective awareness. Where do you find a safe and non- judgmental space and the sparring partner for exploring how to start into that direction? Self-development is very difficult without having an adequate and open human space for it. So why not come pay me a visit, in Freiburg (Germany) or online? Let us find out, in a respectful collaboration and cocreation, what the man as a human behind the man as a role looks like and where the journey is headed henceforth? This will be neither a narcissistic navel-gazing, nor a therapy. Instead, it is an important and perhaps life-changing update, with a friendly helping hand in the first curve. After that, you can manage on your own, which you have been very much able hitherto anyway. And perhaps it will not only be your life that will change. For when somebody knows himself well, he both sees the pathway to a fulfilling life with more clarity and he turns out as a better partner, friend, father, colleague and human being. Much of the above is true for women, by the way. Because we all share both the male and the female principle within us, we have so many similarities. Cultivating the qualities and strengths from both sides and denying non makes us more complete beings. Highly Sensitive Men The literature specifically on male high sensitivity is still scarce. So are quality courses or counselling. And when the media talk about high sensitivity, they will mostly talk about women, for whom high sensitivity has always been accepted quite well (see all these classic movies with the strong emotional expression allowed only for female roles). Yes, women as well experience difficulties with their high sensitivity, because the implicit rewarding system of many Western societies (the world of the arts excepted) does not yet really value high sensitivity. But men with high sensitivity are still often confronted with highly pejorative appellations aimed at hurting the core of their identity, "softie" or "wimp" being among the more civilised ones. So even at a young age, they may already have experienced a wide range of humiliating experiences - and on top of that, society does not want to see their pain and is quick at ridiculing it. In addition, people with high sensitivity often lack what is commonly called "self-confidence" or "assertiveness". That makes it all the more difficult to find and take one's place in a noisy society. That makes it all the more important to find and develop inner resources and entertain a good contact with yourself, to stay in your strong centre and thus be less vulnerable to what the world throws at you. Anybody can learn and develop that. And: the world may still not fully value male high sensitivity, but it will. The coming movie „Sensitive Men Rising“ by Will Harper and Dr. Tracy Cooper, as part of the „Sensitive“ movie series, will certainly raise the awareness on the issue and help take away the invisibility cloak, which is why I took part in the crowdfunding of the movie.

Alexander Hohmann Systemic Coach in Freiburg (Black Forest)

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